...

i'm a jerk. she is the only thing that i truly care about. the only thing that matters yet i'm slowly letting her slip away. i cant even begin to try and explain why i'm doing this. i really dont know why. i've been telling myself its not my fault. things come up. this and that. theres hundreds of reasons. but none of them matter. its really simple. i honestly love her. so why am i being a jerk..

can someone invent a pill for this.. so i can stop being a jerk.

She

When she loves me.
She really loves me. unconditionally
but when she hates me
She hates me unconditionally also - no looking back or signs of remorse -
A love so pure and so fragile
Mildly exhausting but very rewarding
She makes opinions based on instinct
With reckless abandon to any logic
You could find ten reasons to hate her
and a million to love her so much more.
 
She is my baNGz
My "TL" - true love -
My tWinKeRz
My fiesty Tigress
The love of my life
Mine..
but i dont own her
No one does
yet she chose to be mine

the "Mile" in Milestones

its been a long time since i wrote anything here. Though i had words flooding in my head i was afraid of the impact of what i would eventually write. And thats when things get complicated. in my past blogs i wrote everything drunk. No conscience. no afterthoughts. no holds barred. my soul revealed for everyone to mock. and i didnt care. Now everything is different. i am totally concious of what i write thats why i have to be wary of the words i use and what would be the reaction of the would be reader. the very few of them. Which kinda defeats the purpose of blogging. its not enjoyable anymore. in fact its even stressfull. I have been condemned of the blogs i've made more than a year ago. some even two years passed. those are the stuffs that has taken me aback and made me reconsider of how willing i am to jot down my thoughts for the public viewing.

Almost a month has passed since baNGz and I celebrated our very first Anniversary. 1 year yet it seemed just like yesterday. Were still as inseparable as ever. Spending almost everyday together yet we cant seem to get enough of each other. she misses me and i definitely miss her the moment she goes inside that KMK bus. The cooking trial and error. her scary taxi adventures. my unfortunate taxi accidents. a total of 3 phones have been lost(2 mine.1 hers). surveyed the corners of SM and Ayala. the foodtrip escapades starting from UP to cebudoc to UC to the more expensive ones. the failed exercise-sports-diet attempts. Ukay² sessions. Dunkin Donut Sessions.

We've surely been through a lot. its only one year yet it seemed like an eternity. yet it feels like we just started yesterday. Despite this feat. just when i thought that everythings gonna be easy we started to quarrel about petty things. things that i never thought would be a hindrance to our relationship. from my friends to my past doings to the catch 22 questions and situations. all have placed a strain in our relationship. What surprised me was that i never saw them coming (well isnt that redundant?)
Thats when i realized that we still have a long way to go. Maybe i've lit up. i relaxed and taken for granted those little things. i've always thought that our biggest problems would occur once we follow that inevitable path. me going abroad. her going abroad. only it would be 2 different countries. Isnt that the bigger picture her. situations like that make or break relationships as i knew it. but never i realized that a friendster message, delayed schedule or a movie date with your gang could have the same effect.

Just shows how little i know about the opposite sex and my so called experience isnt worth anything..

But one things for sure though. im not gonna give up on this. never!
Even if i have to swallow my huge pride a thousand times more that wont shake me.
and if you ask why, read the address bar...
cz LOVE KO SI BANGZ

ten+ things i love about baNGz

2008. this year i take blogging seriously. much to the delight of my girlfriend kyjean. She has been convincing me to take up this passion of hers. So i only find it appropriate to start my blog with an entry about her. on how much i adore her of course. this is in random order for i love every part of her equally.

She's a hug addict. Somehow she craves about hugging me everytime. that is why we have invented different kinds of hugs to cloak our PDA's from our imaginary paparazzi. from semi-hugs to quarter-hugs to accidental hugs. i cant seem to get enough of her hugs though. and thank goodness nothing could seem to replenish her need to hug me. And i totally feel the same way

The way her eyes closes when we kiss. Its like watching those old movies. When the guy gives that true love kiss to her girl. you know its real. you know its something special. I never thought i that i wanted something like that. and here she's giving it to me.

Her passion for writing. Mostly she's been seriously writing blogs right now but i wouldnt be surprised if one day she'd try her luck at writing a book. She has greatly improved with her style and i'm so proud everytime i read her latest entries.

Her love affair with books. If theres one thing i should be jealous about. that one thing that she probably love more than me. its her books. and no! its not one of those cheezy sweet valley high's or judy mcnaught's. those seems amateurish compared to what she reads. her vast collection of amazing books, that could belong to the top 100 books of all time, include lovely bones, stardust, jonathan strange etc. and lately she's been mesmerized by no less than the rockstar of literature himself, neil gaiman.

The never ending apetite. I love food. If its edible, i'll eat it. but kyjean loves them more. We could eat at a high class restaurant or in UP's carenderia or even on the next kanto's pungko², we would still be able to enjoy the food w/o any qualms at all. and after a huge meal, just when both of us are complaining of gastric fulfillment she begins to crave for a sweet dessert as soon as we get pass that sari-sari store. Looks like i've met my match.

Being the defiant kikay. Everyone who knows baNGz would tell you that she's a certified RAWKISTA. The type who's always present at gigs and chases bands. she could even qualify as a groupie. but what people dont know is that she's also a kikay. She has a complete collection of Cosmopolitan magazine and never misses an issue. Though she doesnt wear any make-ups (honestly there is no need for one) but she can definitely tell you a lot about fashion.

The camwhoring moments. I would like to think that i awaken the camwhore in her. This is not your typical point-the-cam-to-your-face-inside-the-bathroom-and-start-clicking-rapidly type camwhore. There has to be a concept. and theres nothing more i love to do than taking her pictures. If the subject is as pretty as that, I woudn't mind being her personal photographer at all. Call it labor of love.

Her silky soft skin. At the end of the day. I would still be a guy. The type to brag about her girl to his friends. Though i'm really not that type but the fact that 3 taxi drivers have insisted that kyjean is a movie star and have offered the fare to be on the house plus a balikbayan asking her also if she's a local celeb here. One cannot help but put a smile into his face. Yeap that's my girl.

Those kissable red lips. I have to be honest with you. I first noticed her because of those rosy red lips. Everyone does. I was on my way out of the elevator at work when i suddenly saw those stunningly beautiful red lips and the georgeous woman that owned them. From then on i cant help but look at her everyday.

The baNGz. I had been contemplating on how to approach and introduce myself to her. I was waiting for that perfect moment when suddenly inside the elevator, i noticed her new hairstyle and without thinking blurted a compliment about her bangs. That was the opportunity i needed. Since then i've been calling her baNGz.

That fierce competitive nature. Its safe to say that i will never be bored about baNGz. While we agree about a lot of things, we still argue about stuffs specially when our competitive nature kicks in. Although we haven't settled yet who has the higher IQ, and we do still fight about it, theres no doubt that our love for each other is definitely the highest.

Being a NURSE. I've said this before and i'll say it again. I even have a blog about it in my friendster account. I've always known that i'd end up w/ a nurse. call it wishful thinking but i've always told my peers throughout college and they could attest to it that i would want to love and be loved by a nurse. Having Kyjean in my life simply means that destiny happens and sometimes even if you dont know it, just when your not expecting it, you do get what you want. Amen to HIM!