who am i?

its been a while since i last wrote something while i'm drunk. that used to be my signature you know. no editing. no rewrite. i don't really think i should be writing in this blog anymore since there is really no more point to do so. yes we already broke up. the fairy tale has ended. the love story is no longer a fairy tale. yet if you think about it, i still do love her and my blog is about loving her regardless of how she feels about me.

Just in case you havent heard it yet, yes we broke up. No there is no third party and no was crying or anything. we just ended it. things have been shaky for a couple of weeks now. it just boils down to me no longer being able to hide my manhood. you see she's been directly or indirectly telling me that she no longer feels any fire when were together. she's been telling me about her crushes and fantasies about other men. things that i've ignored thinking its just one of those shenanigans that she has always had. its like every week she would discuss about splitting up but she cant bear the fact that i might commit suicide or that i might take it heavily. it seemed funny at first but if you keep getting the same things every week somehow you'd realize that this is actually serious.

Then everything snowballed and i've become more of a clown rather than a lover. she demands amusement more than of love. i could no longer take it. i did what could be the greatest move i made or most likely the stupidest. i let her go. why i did it is still vague to me.

its been hard. most of the times i find myself thinking about her. when i go to work, just before i take in some calls and when i get home, between riding the public transpo and before getting to sleep. what makes it really hard is that i havent told anyone about it.

My family and friends loves her. they all adore her so much i sometimes think they like her more than me. i could never fathom why she hates most of my friends or think that my family doesnt like her thou. Everyday i get comments on how they miss her and why they havent seen her for a couple of days now. if they only knew.

i dont really know why i'm writing this. i just wanted to have some sort of outlet. everyday i keep wondering if she thinks of me as much as i think of her. i havent really wallowed about it yet and i am wallowing right now. this is the first time that i've cried about her. i do miss her. i love her. but what can you do if the one that you hold most dear to your heart tells you that she is no longer sure of what she's feeling. as much as you want to hold on to her somehow you'd realize that you have to set her free and just cross your fingers hoping she will come back.

i am a man. a man who is in love with a woman who is no longer sure if she feels the same. i have so many friends yet i find myself alone with no one to talk to. i have lost all my logic. nothing is left but emptiness. i know but that i have to be strong yet why do i feel so vulnerable. my heart has been scattered in pieces. my life is a mess. she is the only sanity and order in my life and now that she is gone, i no longer know who i am