Random Rumblings of a Rigid Mind

closure

2011-10-09T13:24:00.003+08:00

thank you. i'm sorry. goodbye.

who am i?

2010-04-14T23:39:00.003+08:00

its been a while since i last wrote something while i'm drunk. that used to be my signature you know. no editing. no rewrite. i don't really think i should be writing in this blog anymore since there is really no more point to do so. yes we already broke up. the fairy tale has ended. the love story is no longer a fairy tale. yet if you think about it, i still do love her and my blog is about loving her regardless of how she feels about me.

Just in case you havent heard it yet, yes we broke up. No there is no third party and no was crying or anything. we just ended it. things have been shaky for a couple of weeks now. it just boils down to me no longer being able to hide my manhood. you see she's been directly or indirectly telling me that she no longer feels any fire when were together. she's been telling me about her crushes and fantasies about other men. things that i've ignored thinking its just one of those shenanigans that she has always had. its like every week she would discuss about splitting up but she cant bear the fact that i might commit suicide or that i might take it heavily. it seemed funny at first but if you keep getting the same things every week somehow you'd realize that this is actually serious.

Then everything snowballed and i've become more of a clown rather than a lover. she demands amusement more than of love. i could no longer take it. i did what could be the greatest move i made or most likely the stupidest. i let her go. why i did it is still vague to me.

its been hard. most of the times i find myself thinking about her. when i go to work, just before i take in some calls and when i get home, between riding the public transpo and before getting to sleep. what makes it really hard is that i havent told anyone about it.

My family and friends loves her. they all adore her so much i sometimes think they like her more than me. i could never fathom why she hates most of my friends or think that my family doesnt like her thou. Everyday i get comments on how they miss her and why they havent seen her for a couple of days now. if they only knew.

i dont really know why i'm writing this. i just wanted to have some sort of outlet. everyday i keep wondering if she thinks of me as much as i think of her. i havent really wallowed about it yet and i am wallowing right now. this is the first time that i've cried about her. i do miss her. i love her. but what can you do if the one that you hold most dear to your heart tells you that she is no longer sure of what she's feeling. as much as you want to hold on to her somehow you'd realize that you have to set her free and just cross your fingers hoping she will come back.

i am a man. a man who is in love with a woman who is no longer sure if she feels the same. i have so many friends yet i find myself alone with no one to talk to. i have lost all my logic. nothing is left but emptiness. i know but that i have to be strong yet why do i feel so vulnerable. my heart has been scattered in pieces. my life is a mess. she is the only sanity and order in my life and now that she is gone, i no longer know who i am

...

2009-04-06T10:33:00.003+08:00

i'm a jerk. she is the only thing that i truly care about. the only thing that matters yet i'm slowly letting her slip away. i cant even begin to try and explain why i'm doing this. i really dont know why. i've been telling myself its not my fault. things come up. this and that. theres hundreds of reasons. but none of them matter. its really simple. i honestly love her. so why am i being a jerk..

can someone invent a pill for this.. so i can stop being a jerk.

one last note

2009-03-16T01:40:00.002+08:00

my grandma was burried last saturday. sadly i wasnt able give my eulogy because of time restraints.. but if given a chance it would be something like this.

I was on my way to work when I learned that grandma died. i was just recently transferred to another department so i cant really afford to be absent. I informed my officemates of what happened and they quickly gave their condolences. I immediately stopped them. I told them i they should not be sad for me coz im not. I wont even wallow. instead i chose to celebrate the life of my beautiful grandma .I havent really told anyone about this but one of the earliest childhood memory i had was with my lola sepa. i was about 4 or 5 by then when lola abducted me from the house and brought me to lawis bantayan. i chose the world abducted coz i cant really recall if she had my parent's permission to take me. i still can recall it was almost dark and people were rushing and scrambling for a jeepney. i managed to climb into one but lola wasnt able to do so and she just said "nya mulakaw lang ka ug una?" so i had to jump off the jeepney and we waited till we could find another one. by the time we reached lawis i thought we would only be staying for the night so i packed my slippers that night before going to bed in front of my bebaffled grandma. only the morning after i learned that we're staying for a couple of months. everyday on the way to the bukid (which is actually just a hill)i would secretly cry coz i dearly miss my parents. It was quite an experience indeed.
If theres anything in this world no one could deny about my grandma is that she a very religious person. every day she would wake up at 3am to say her prayers to the devine mercy and a few others for the rest of the day. She was such a devout catholic that she even celebrated the feast of her patron saint in bantayan to her new home here in lapu-lapu. Everytime we got a chance to sit down and talk, we would spend hours discussing about her faith to the all mighty and how it kept her going. i wouldnt really be able to do her much justice coz listening to her is definitely and experience itself. Everytime i have momens of lapses and doubts, though she may never know it, she never fails to lift my spirit up and restore my faith to our LORD. and i bet im not the only one to that. A lot of you would be able to attest how this woman lived a fruitful life with God being the center of it all. Thank you lola.. for the faith.. the courage.. and the strength. your 82 years here on earth is a life well spent.

the death of a STAR

2009-01-12T03:27:00.003+08:00

"humans as we are, we all tend to resist change
though change is inevitable, we still fight it"

When Gregorio del Pilar recieved the order from Emilio Aguinaldo to stay and stall the americans in Tirad Pass, the young general already knew what was asked of him. A death sentence. Given 60 men to hold off 500 heavily americans would be a complete suicide. Yet he stayed and fought until the the inevitable happened.

2 days ago, we were given the news that Vonage Outbound, known as the ROCKSTARS, would cease to operate. The announcement was short, simple and straight to the point. with no hint of any sugar-coating. People panicked. People cried. Of course no sweet words could ever make it easier to digest. Everyone hugged everyone. Yet for me things never really sank in till now. 2 days later at 3 in the morning.

It wasnt really a complete surprise. Eight months into my entry in the program, rumours have already circulated of its closure. True that half of the agents were transferred to another program and the once loud and proud rulers of the 5th floor northwing has now been reduced to meager crowd stuck in the corner. After a year, rumours again resurfaced and changes were made. Team Canada got southparked and joined the rest of the US squad. A couple of months later, welcome desk became outbound reactivation team(?) and eventually transferred to sales.
Whats the point of the story? the rumors were always there yet they remained that way. just rumors! Sure a lot of changes have happened but just like the phoenix, Rockstar always found a way to rise from the ashes. Though it struggled and it never managed to recover being no#1, still it survived. apparently not anymore.

If theres one thing Vonage Outbound was good at and known for is that we know how to PARRRTY! big time. Undisputed #1 in Site Events, Rockstar has raised the bar in terms of program presentation and participation. We even brought the entire program to Bantayan, a first in etel Cebu. The GA's are crazy and really something.

All good things they say must come to an end. 20 agents were lucky enough to be transferred to another program while the remaining 19 will see what awaits their fate. I happen to be in that unlucky 19 who must still make calls for a week more before the program that was Vonage Outbound aka Rockstars officially shuts down. What does one do when he knows the end is coming?
How do you make of a bleak future?
How do you motivate yourself to do a job that is almost meaningless?

a) should you jump ship and start a new with the knowledge that the same thing could happen to another company and as a probie, its more likely that your ass would be the first one to get kicked

b) or do you stay to keep your tenureship but place your hands at the mercy of the profiling gods(read: HR) to find a vacancy somewhere within the company irregardless of the type of program that they throw you into (which is another concern)

hmmnn.. decisions.. decicions..decisions..(either way im screwed!)

Just like Gen Gregorio del Pilar and his men, our 2 supervisors thats left must lead us to this grueling week ahead. None of us want this. Am i pissed? hell yes! it honestly sucks but we still have to do what were paid for. its inevitable. truly a very slow painful death. ROCKSTARS now signing off..

"The General has given me the pick of all the men that can be spared and ordered me to defend the Pass. I realize what a terrible task has been given me. And yet I feel that this is the most glorious moment of my life. What I do is done for my beloved country. No sacrifice can be too great"
- from the diary of Gen Gregorio del Pilar.

She

2008-07-23T02:21:00.001+08:00

When she loves me.
She really loves me. unconditionally
but when she hates me
She hates me unconditionally also - no looking back or signs of remorse -
A love so pure and so fragile
Mildly exhausting but very rewarding
She makes opinions based on instinct
With reckless abandon to any logic
You could find ten reasons to hate her
and a million to love her so much more.

She is my baNGz
My "TL" - true love -
My tWinKeRz
My fiesty Tigress
The love of my life
Mine..
but i dont own her
No one does
yet she chose to be mine

Trust vs misTRUST

2008-07-09T18:47:00.000+08:00

Whoever made it fashionable for girlfriends to demand to their boyfriends that they should exchange cellular phones for like a period of time so the boyfriend can prove that he's not doing anything mischievous behind her back should be burned alive. I cant believe society has condoned and even encourage people not to trust each other. Shouldn't it be innocent til proven guilty and not the other way around?. I could not understand that at all. But what i would never understand is a woman's dire need to prove that her partner is cheating on her just because statistics says so even though she cant prove it. The absence of proof or any evidence is actually considered itself as a proof. confused? let me expound later. though i am not the type to divulge to the world the mishaps of my relationship, please i'd rather keep it to myself, there are things that you have to emphasize to prevent them from happening again and again. which has been the case thats why i've decided to shout it out for documenting purposes. who knows this might actually help someone. including myself.

I dont know if its just the hormones during her monthly visits, or just bad intuition on her part but she seemed to be convinced that i'm actually cheating or doing something close to that. and she claims that i'v been lying to her. That i've been seeing other women behind her back. Why she thinks of me that way is beyond any argument. she just mystically knows it. well the truth is i'm not. and never will. i dont where all these is coming from. i haven't cheated on her and she has nothing on me (never been caught w/ anything incriminating. zilch!)

Even those sweet innocent nothings would turn out into something. i bring her food on her breaks at work and she would think that i did something wrong because i'm extra nice to her. and i bring her food almost every break schedule. i accompany her to her favorite bargain book store and she would claim that i'm not enjoying myself and was just obliged to be w/ her coz im her boyfriend. that's despite the fact that i've been secretly hiding a stack of children's books for my nephews and myself so that no one else could get to them.

I've always preached to everyone that you always have to maintain some level of privacy even though your in a relationship and its definitely a big NO! NO! to giveaway your passwords for your emails and such coz that only would spell trouble. Well after several months of nudging me, i finally gave in. Our relationship was working so well that on one of our monthsaries i decided to show her how much i trust her, and she could actually trust me also. i totally have nothing to hide so she's free to access my friendster account. BIG MISTAKE! i should have never attempted to predict the way she thinks for what happened next would haunt me for the rest of my life. she started reading my inbox and OUTBOX.. which you think would be pretty normal except the fact that she has gone way way back. even those messages i'd written and received 2 YEARS BACK. like a carefull surgeon, she disected what each word on those messages meant. to say that it rocked our relationship would be understatement. good thing we've recovered already.

Dont get me wrong here, She's definitely not one of those crazy, psychotic, jealous girlfriends that you stay away from. In fact she is the sweetest girl i know and she could love you like theres no tomorrow. You'll get more than enough of your share of hugz, kisses, sweet messages, gifts, LOVE and HAPPINESS. That is why i could honestly say that there's no way i'd cheat or allow myself to be in a position that would jeopardize our Love for each other. but just like any other women out there she also has her insecurities. Just because she met me later in life compared to the women i've been, she's jealous of the connections that i've had with them. She's afraid that whatever it is that she sees in me, will also be realized by those women and they might wanna get back or be with me (which i doubt would happen anyitime soon.. or at all).Which brings me to the question why would i want to be with them when i already have her?

I dont really have any solutions to this problem yet. i thought i did. apparently i dont. Maybe you could help me. Lets get into the intricate web of the female mind and see what we can come up to. Any recommendations, ideas, experiments would be welcome. For now, i'll just answer the questions that i know for sure..

Yes! I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY LIFE..

No! i will never do anything stupid that would jeopardize your love for me..

YES! I honestly enjoy your company.. EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

No! I dont have any hidden agendas nor do i have any wishful thinking to be somewhere else when i'm with you.

YES! you definitely look great; long hair, short hair with or without bangs.

NO! i'm not going back with any women in my past. Regarless they want me back or not.. its never happening.

YES! I LOVE YOU. if you feel that i havent said it often enough, then i'll say it again. if you feel that i do. then i'll say it again. coz i could never get tired of saying it over and over and over again.

hope this helps. and i dont care what other people would think. could care less about them. its you and me. eyes on the prize.

the "Mile" in Milestones

2008-06-17T04:34:00.000+08:00

its been a long time since i wrote anything here. Though i had words flooding in my head i was afraid of the impact of what i would eventually write. And thats when things get complicated. in my past blogs i wrote everything drunk. No conscience. no afterthoughts. no holds barred. my soul revealed for everyone to mock. and i didnt care. Now everything is different. i am totally concious of what i write thats why i have to be wary of the words i use and what would be the reaction of the would be reader. the very few of them. Which kinda defeats the purpose of blogging. its not enjoyable anymore. in fact its even stressfull. I have been condemned of the blogs i've made more than a year ago. some even two years passed. those are the stuffs that has taken me aback and made me reconsider of how willing i am to jot down my thoughts for the public viewing.

Almost a month has passed since baNGz and I celebrated our very first Anniversary. 1 year yet it seemed just like yesterday. Were still as inseparable as ever. Spending almost everyday together yet we cant seem to get enough of each other. she misses me and i definitely miss her the moment she goes inside that KMK bus. The cooking trial and error. her scary taxi adventures. my unfortunate taxi accidents. a total of 3 phones have been lost(2 mine.1 hers). surveyed the corners of SM and Ayala. the foodtrip escapades starting from UP to cebudoc to UC to the more expensive ones. the failed exercise-sports-diet attempts. Ukay² sessions. Dunkin Donut Sessions.

We've surely been through a lot. its only one year yet it seemed like an eternity. yet it feels like we just started yesterday. Despite this feat. just when i thought that everythings gonna be easy we started to quarrel about petty things. things that i never thought would be a hindrance to our relationship. from my friends to my past doings to the catch 22 questions and situations. all have placed a strain in our relationship. What surprised me was that i never saw them coming (well isnt that redundant?)
Thats when i realized that we still have a long way to go. Maybe i've lit up. i relaxed and taken for granted those little things. i've always thought that our biggest problems would occur once we follow that inevitable path. me going abroad. her going abroad. only it would be 2 different countries. Isnt that the bigger picture her. situations like that make or break relationships as i knew it. but never i realized that a friendster message, delayed schedule or a movie date with your gang could have the same effect.

Just shows how little i know about the opposite sex and my so called experience isnt worth anything..

But one things for sure though. im not gonna give up on this. never!
Even if i have to swallow my huge pride a thousand times more that wont shake me.
and if you ask why, read the address bar...
cz LOVE KO SI BANGZ

COSMO said i told you so

2008-01-23T21:16:00.000+08:00

Appreciate your man.

Dont demand. When you demand you set these really high expectations and though sometimes its ok to have one but by demanding things you tend to overlook stuff and you stop appreciating the things that you guy is doing coz your thinking that its his job to do it in the first place. which is definitely wrong. your only supposed to take what the other gives.

There's a difference between doing something out of love and just fulfilling an obigation. That's the reason why some people dont go to masses anymore they felt they've been going there because they're required to. instead of being commended for going they get criticized more and feels guilty if they miss one. so they just stop going.

If your partner is starting to feel that he's just doing an obligation then you have to start worrying. Once he starts to question the passion that is put into the relationship thats when he starts feeling choked. and trust me you dont want to get into that point.

Stop questioning his motives.

I get it. we've all watched too many a sci-fi films about conspiracies and cover-ups. Though it would be nice if life is that exciting and all but the truth is, your man isn't hiding anything from you. theres is no ulterior motives or hidden agenda. he just wants to be with you.
to feel your smooth skin.. kiss those red lips.. touch your soft cheeks.

He is not secretly wishihg to be with other girls or to be w/ his friends. nor is he hoping that time would fastforward itself so his time with you could be over soon.

Ask any man you know (yes even including your dad) if they would sacrifice they're time, passion (basketball, parties, inuman etc) and ego for any girl or anyone at all who doesnt mean to them. If he's tired all day and still carries your bag. you are special! if he misses a game so he could just chat with your over coffee or ice cream. you are special! if he goes shopping with you for that one dress you've been wanting to wear even if you dont know what it looks like yet, providing of course that he still wants to sleep with you (meaning he's not gay). you are special!and he means it. otherwise he would bluntly say you so.

for the nth time: Stop trying to change him. you fell in love with that imperfect guy remember.

why is it that every woman seems to have this personal mission to change their man. They expect men to be their sort of project doll where they would inject a little breeding of their liking. stop it! if we want to change then we'd go to the experts (calling queer eye for a straight guy or something like that) Women tend to forget that they were attracted to that barbaric personality in the first place. fresh.mysterious.uncertain. if we changed who we are then we would lose our identity. you might achieve your goal of what you think as a perfect boyfriend but we would lose ourselves, doubting the decisions that we've made for the past couple of months and yes that includes the decision to be with you. The only thing that can be done is to compromise. meet halfways. to learn to adjust through our differences. imagine if we start out on an experiment of changing you to be the beer-drinking-basketball-loving-submissive-outdoor-get-down-and-dirty-type of girlfriend that most men want. scary isn't it?

So Ladies appreciate your man.

ten+ things i love about baNGz

2008-01-01T17:18:00.000+08:00

2008. this year i take blogging seriously. much to the delight of my girlfriend kyjean. She has been convincing me to take up this passion of hers. So i only find it appropriate to start my blog with an entry about her. on how much i adore her of course. this is in random order for i love every part of her equally.

She's a hug addict. Somehow she craves about hugging me everytime. that is why we have invented different kinds of hugs to cloak our PDA's from our imaginary paparazzi. from semi-hugs to quarter-hugs to accidental hugs. i cant seem to get enough of her hugs though. and thank goodness nothing could seem to replenish her need to hug me. And i totally feel the same way

The way her eyes closes when we kiss. Its like watching those old movies. When the guy gives that true love kiss to her girl. you know its real. you know its something special. I never thought i that i wanted something like that. and here she's giving it to me.

Her passion for writing. Mostly she's been seriously writing blogs right now but i wouldnt be surprised if one day she'd try her luck at writing a book. She has greatly improved with her style and i'm so proud everytime i read her latest entries.

Her love affair with books. If theres one thing i should be jealous about. that one thing that she probably love more than me. its her books. and no! its not one of those cheezy sweet valley high's or judy mcnaught's. those seems amateurish compared to what she reads. her vast collection of amazing books, that could belong to the top 100 books of all time, include lovely bones, stardust, jonathan strange etc. and lately she's been mesmerized by no less than the rockstar of literature himself, neil gaiman.

The never ending apetite. I love food. If its edible, i'll eat it. but kyjean loves them more. We could eat at a high class restaurant or in UP's carenderia or even on the next kanto's pungko², we would still be able to enjoy the food w/o any qualms at all. and after a huge meal, just when both of us are complaining of gastric fulfillment she begins to crave for a sweet dessert as soon as we get pass that sari-sari store. Looks like i've met my match.

Being the defiant kikay. Everyone who knows baNGz would tell you that she's a certified RAWKISTA. The type who's always present at gigs and chases bands. she could even qualify as a groupie. but what people dont know is that she's also a kikay. She has a complete collection of Cosmopolitan magazine and never misses an issue. Though she doesnt wear any make-ups (honestly there is no need for one) but she can definitely tell you a lot about fashion.

The camwhoring moments. I would like to think that i awaken the camwhore in her. This is not your typical point-the-cam-to-your-face-inside-the-bathroom-and-start-clicking-rapidly type camwhore. There has to be a concept. and theres nothing more i love to do than taking her pictures. If the subject is as pretty as that, I woudn't mind being her personal photographer at all. Call it labor of love.

Her silky soft skin. At the end of the day. I would still be a guy. The type to brag about her girl to his friends. Though i'm really not that type but the fact that 3 taxi drivers have insisted that kyjean is a movie star and have offered the fare to be on the house plus a balikbayan asking her also if she's a local celeb here. One cannot help but put a smile into his face. Yeap that's my girl.

Those kissable red lips. I have to be honest with you. I first noticed her because of those rosy red lips. Everyone does. I was on my way out of the elevator at work when i suddenly saw those stunningly beautiful red lips and the georgeous woman that owned them. From then on i cant help but look at her everyday.

The baNGz. I had been contemplating on how to approach and introduce myself to her. I was waiting for that perfect moment when suddenly inside the elevator, i noticed her new hairstyle and without thinking blurted a compliment about her bangs. That was the opportunity i needed. Since then i've been calling her baNGz.

That fierce competitive nature. Its safe to say that i will never be bored about baNGz. While we agree about a lot of things, we still argue about stuffs specially when our competitive nature kicks in. Although we haven't settled yet who has the higher IQ, and we do still fight about it, theres no doubt that our love for each other is definitely the highest.

Being a NURSE. I've said this before and i'll say it again. I even have a blog about it in my friendster account. I've always known that i'd end up w/ a nurse. call it wishful thinking but i've always told my peers throughout college and they could attest to it that i would want to love and be loved by a nurse. Having Kyjean in my life simply means that destiny happens and sometimes even if you dont know it, just when your not expecting it, you do get what you want. Amen to HIM!